Untitled Document

Imagethief

Secrets of the International Traveller

.....I am a seasoned, international jet-setter.

.....Why is this? Is this because I am fluent in many languages? Is it because I am warmly greeted at the highest levels of society wherever I go? Is it because I have a reputation that spans seven continents and the romantic capital cities that gleam like gems along the international air corridors? Is it because my counsel on international matters is sought at the highest level of government? Is it because I rode a balsa wood raft from Tierra Del Fuego to the Aleutians, drinking my own urine and eating only raw seagull flesh? Regrettably, no. I have no reputation. No one seeks my counsel. I am firmly entrenched in the middle class, one-fork using societal cadre, and the last thing I killed was a cockroach. And I certainly didn’t eat it. Or drink its urine. No, I am a seasoned international jet-setter because I have figured out how to survive long, transpacific plane flights.
.....That’s right. I have now crossed the Pacific ocean seven times. Three and a half round trips (I sincerely hope to make it an even number someday). I realize that seven times is jack compared to businessmen who have been doing it for years. But it is enough to learn essential travelling facts. I will now share those facts with you, that you may not have to learn them the hard way.

Comfort is Your Goal
.....First, and all encompassing. It is, alas, unattainable, but try to come as close as possible. Don’t worry about looking good. Don’t worry about being stylish. Just be comfortable. To this end, I now always carry sweatpants and a jersey in my carry-on bag. The moment we are airborne and the seatbelt sign goes off, I hit the bathroom and change into my baggy sweats and a loose jersey. I wear a dark jersey so the food that invariably drops from my fork as I eat during turbulence doesn’t stain. In my gray baggies and Michigan jersey, padding around in my socks, I may not look suave, but I am damn sure more comfortable than the guy spending twenty hours in his tight Versace jeans.
.....And what’s so good about looking stylish on an airplane anyway? I’ve been flying all my life, to Europe, across the US, and now to Asia. I have never sat next to an attractive woman, Steven Spielberg, nor anyone else I absolutely had to impress. The one time I sat next to a woman my age, she was Taiwanese and had an impenetrable accent. I burned more calories trying to maintain a conversation with her than I did in an entire summer biking the hills of San Francisco. She was kind, however, and gave me some ginger candies. They were nasty, and sat on my kitchen shelf for three years. They didn't molder. Never accept candy from the Taiwanese.
.....The problem with my dress-tactic is that, in twenty hours, your feet gain at least one full size, and it’s a bitch getting your shoes back on. And I always insist on being fully dressed in my jeans and shoes for takeoff and landing. This is because I live under the delusion that, if the plane crashes on takeoff or landing, I will be more able to trample other passengers, escape the fuselage and run beyond the blast radius of the explosion if I am wearing my Nikes.

.....Just do it.

Don’t Stay Up All Night
.....Many idiots tell me, seriously, that the answer to my flying problems could be solved if I don’t sleep the night before I get on the plane. Just what I need; to be uncomfortable and exhausted and irritable. These people falsely assume that it is possible to sleep in coach class under any circumstances. Listen, I could stay up for three days of jungle trekking with no food, contract dengue fever, and spend the last twelve hours before the flight watching reruns of the Capital Gang while eating Nytols out of a bowl like dutch mints, and I would still only catch sporadic sleep on the airplane. Do yourself a favor and get a good night’s sleep before you get on.

Don’t Drink Alcohol on the Airplane
.....This is a tricky one. They sucker you on international flights by making the booze free. It’s hard to resist those free beers and little bottles of Martel and Dewars when a stewardess who looks like a prim version of your Bangkok sex fantasy girl is practically shoving them up your nose. The key is to remind yourself that the job of all airline personnel is to make you miserable, directly or indirectly. Suspect anything they offer. The idea of getting drunk on the airplane for free seems groovy at first, but it comes at a cost. First, and medically, alcohol dehydrates you. This is bad on an airplane where the humidity is already zero point zero. Mark my words, pal. One beer and it’s headache city. Furthermore, as your body dehydrates, mucus production will fail and your boogers will crystallize into little razor-edged boulders forcing you to retreat to the bathroom for strategic nostril maintenance or risk a lethal wound if someone tweaks your nose. (And I’ll cover the other bathroom problems in a moment.) The nose glaciers got so bad on one Singapore Air flight that I actually had to regularly rub the complementary moisturizing cream on the inside of my nostrils. I’ve been able to smell nothing but D&C lilac fragrance #4 ever since.
.....There are two other reasons to avoid getting drunk on the airplane. One of them is specific to men. It’s hard enough to aim in turbulence already. Don’t make life miserable for the rest of the passengers. The second reason affects everyone. You don’t want to go through customs drunk. You won’t like it. They won’t like it.

Eat the Food And Quit yer Bitchin
.....I know, I know. Coach class airline food is the worst indignity to be inflicted on man by his fellow since the Bataan Death March. Well, eat it anyway. Believe me, you’d rather be grossed out for thirty minutes than hungry for ten hours with no fridge nearby. Grit your teeth and deal with it. Anyway, despite what you say, I know you secretly enjoy it. Everyone does (except for the deserts). It’s just an easy target for complaining, which, as we all know, is the best kind of free entertainment. And pretty much the only form of free entertainment now that sex is expensive and violence illegal.

Bring a Toothbrush
.....The caveat to the previous rule is to make sure you bring a toothbrush. And use it, too. After every meal. A lot of grunge can cake up on those teeth in twenty hours. Your neighbors will appreciate your diligence, and it will make the meals more tolerable if the taste doesn’t linger for hours. Plus you’ll never date an exotic Thai stewardess with that bit of sausage skin dangling from your upper gums like a gangrenous second uvula.

Sleep if at All Possible
.....Sleep is hard to come by on an airplane. I have never slept more than three hours on a twenty hour flight. But it’s great work if you can get it. This is not because sleep refreshes you, or helps you deal with jet lag. It is solely because sleep kills subjective time very efficiently without drawing on valuable entertainment resources such as magazines and Michael Crichton novels. Don’t fight it.

Watch the Movies if You Can’t Sleep
.....Entertainment on an airplane is a precious resource. If you have a book that will last the duration of the flight, good thinking. Plan on your eyes burning out eventually, though. Notice how your little overhead light never points in exactly the right place? Boeing probably calls that a "feature." So watch the movies. Even if you hate ‘em, you’ll be surprised how quickly your brain slips into catatonic TV grazing mode. That’s more hours killed. I even watched the remake of Sabrina on my last flight, and, most humiliating, I enjoyed it.

Bathroom Strategy
.....This is the crux. The key. If you can’t master the bathroom cycles, you will never fly the long-hauls in comfort. On a packed 747, bathroom demand is like the tide, and you must learn to predict the ebb and flow. Airplanes are like women’s dormitories; everyone’s biological functions tend to synchronize. The secret is to be able to jump the gun just a little bit and beat the crowd, because the reality is that you will have to go at the same time as everyone else. That is where the true advantage of an aisle seat comes in. Oh sure, you thought it was so that you had a little extra leg room, but no, bathroom access is the key. With an aisle seat, you can access the bathroom easily moments before the crush begins. Here are your key times to look out for:

As soon as the fasten seatbelt sign goes off after takeoff. Everyone releases those sphincters that were clenched for takeoff. Ditto after turbulence.
As soon as the meal trays are picked up. The person in the aisle seat can get out before the trays are collected. This is a big tactical advantage.
The moment the movie credits start. Again, you can easily get out of your aisle seat without disturbing your neighbors, who may still be watching.
The moment the lights go up after the “sleep” period. You want to get to the bathroom the instant those lights switch on. But your slothlike neighbors may still be sawing wood. Grab that aisle.
Remember to make a pit stop before landing also. This is a popular time as well. I usually head for the can the moment I feel the nose of the aircraft tip downward. Remember, those lines at customs can be long.

.....Yes, learn how to beat the crowd and you’ll be much happier traveller. Otherwise, you may end up in waiting behind four or five people. And people take a long damn time in airplane bathrooms. I know I do. I think that we are all fascinated by those new vacuum powered Boeing toilets that apparently instantaneously suck all of your waste products into another dimension. And just to be prepared, you should always stop by the bathroom whenever it is convenient. You’re ready for any adventure with an empty bladder, I always say. Remember, the worst can happen. Joe Pantuso was once on a KAL flight from Seoul to California where every bathroom on the 747 was out of service by the end of the flight. In situations like this, your air-sick bag makes a handy chamber pot.

The Quest for the Ultimate Seat
.....And now it is time to distill these nuggets of wisdom into one final piece of advice. Taking everything else into account, what seat do you want to ask for? Well assuming that you won’t be lucky enough to get an outside bulkhead seat (don’t get an inside one, the glow from the movie screen will drive you crazy, especially if you are trying to sleep), and you’ll never be able to afford business class (I did it once…it ruined me forever), the key position is an inside aisle seat in the back row of the section.
.....Let’s analyze why. First, it is the all-important aisle. I realize that, being on the inside, you won’t be able to see out the window. Well, give it up. There really isn’t anything to see at any time except for takeoff and landing, and that ten minutes looks mighty short compared to the other twenty hours. The only real advantage to a window is that it is easier to sleep if you can lean against the wall. But there is a cost to be paid in legroom and bathroom access.
.....What else makes the last-row inside aisle the key seat? Well, movie viewing plays a key role here. If you fly Virgin Atlantic or Singapore Air you may be lucky enough to have personal video screens. If so, great. Chances are that won’t be the case, however. The inside aisle seat is key for movie viewing because people walking down the aisle won’t block your view of the screen. That can get annoying, believe me. Take the last row because you will still be able to see the screen (no airplane seating section is that long), but if you decide to sleep through the movie, the flicker from the screen won’t drive you crazy. The other advantage of the rearmost seat is that there will be no one behind you, kicking the back of your seat. The only thing nicer than that is being in a bulkhead row where no one is in front of you, reclining during the meal and knocking your Coca-Cola into your lap where the sugar will congeal in your pubic hair, reducing you to blubbering misery for the rest of the trip. Furthermore, those bathrooms are often in the bulkhead at the rear of the section. Proximity is an advantage.
.....And there you have it. My hard-won travel wisdom. Share it judiciously. After all, there are only so-many last-row aisle seats to go round.

-Will Moss